What do Anne Brontë, Astrid of Belgium, Ferdinand Eisenstein, Claudia Jennings, Christopher Marlowe, Percy Bysshe Shelley, Ronnie Van Zant, Hank Williams, and Don Wilson have in common?
They all died at the age of 29.
How does this relate to me? Well, I have recently crossed over into a new (super duper scary) stage in my life where I can officially say that I have lived longer than any of them.
So now that I’m old, I was hoping to get advice from other old people out there about how to deal with life as it is now in a state of uncontrollable decline. I’ve realized that there are a lot of things that I didn’t prepare myself to deal with at this age.
What kind of stuff do old people do?
Can I only go to movie matinees?
Is it now illegal for me to wear a ball cap backwards?
What kind of clothes do I have to wear?
Can I only go to buffets to eat, or are there days when I can go to regular restaurants?
Do I have to sell my motorcycle and then wait until I’m 50 to re-buy it?
Is there toothpaste to prevent or delay the growth of dentures?
Do I have to enjoy eating mashed potatoes? Tomato soup?
You get the idea. Any advice would be helpful so I don’t make a total fool of myself out there in a world of young people.
That is hilarious!
ReplyDelete30 isn't old. You're at your prime. Plus, I heard that you take 7 years off a guys age, and you get their mental age, which makes you younger than me. It's all good!
:)
What kind of stuff do old people do?
ReplyDelete*Nothing much, we are too tired.
Can I only go to movie matinees?
*You will soon be too tired for matinees. Try 10 am senior discount baby.
Is it now illegal for me to wear a ball cap backwards?
*What is a ball cap? The only hat you need now is a toupee.
What kind of clothes do I have to wear?
*Polyester.
Can I only go to buffets to eat, or are there days when I can go to regular restaurants?
*Regular restaurants are before noon. Buffets after noon. You also need a coupon.
Do I have to sell my motorcycle and then wait until I’m 50 to re-buy it?
*60 is the new 50 so sell now and re-buy at 60.
Is there toothpaste to prevent or delay the growth of dentures?
*Nope.
Do I have to enjoy eating mashed potatoes? Tomato soup?
*It's all you can stomach with all the acid that now washing around down there.
Other things to know:
Fiber One, Metamucil, and Tums. Stock up now.
PS I am 36.
If I weren't such a hip & happenin' 49.833333 year old, I'd be able to answer some of those questions. Fortunately, I am waaayyy too cool to know!
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday, young-un!
whhhhooooaaaa!!! i am a D-O-R-K!!! I missed your birthday- and your 30th at that!!! (i plead ignorance though i do remember your kootenai river bib #, jeanie neglected to leave me a sticky about this event!). :) i hope you had a good day!
ReplyDeletei don't know the answer to any of your questions because you're still a few months older and wiser than me- so when you find out, let me know.
Well, you young little brat, I was just starting to like you and think you were a nice young man. Now, I just think you are a sharp tongued little whippersnapper and it I was there, I'd take it right out of you.
ReplyDeleteJust sit at home in your rockin chair and drink beer in your underwear.
ReplyDeleteOr, you could take up triahtlons...
Is this suppose to be funny!? It's tough to get old...you bet, you'll have to get used to choosing your cereal for the fiber, not the toy! And your doctor, who by the way is younger than you, tells it's okay to take naps!
ReplyDeleteSomething I've heard my gpa say.
Do you already have your AARP card? If not it will be coming any day. Also be prepared to go to bed as soon as it gets dark and ready to wake up before the birds. Embrace it man... it is already happening and you don't even know it.
ReplyDeleteBYW... you miles for your Aunt are so touching. be proud of yourself!! We are!!
The most important thing to remember is that dinner is now between 4:30 p.m. and 5. Your stomach will need lots and lots of time to settle down after a meal before bedtime ;) Other than that, just be sure to keep a bottle of Just for Men in the bathroom and Viagra by the bed and you will be golden :P
ReplyDeleteYou've got to grow your hair long on one side so you can do the comb over thing to cover the bald spot; no more shaved head.
ReplyDeleteDude, you are not making very many friends right about now. Your list of nemisi is growing...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I tend to live by this one quote and leave the rest to nature...and given it is baseball playoff season, I think the quote is apropos...
"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?"
-- Satchel Paige
Scott,
ReplyDeleteAdvice from a "Codger" who is older than you:
The # 1 Rule - Act the age you feel, but don't necessarily look the age you feel.
So:
1) If you have hair loss, wear the "comb-over of the new Millenium," a baseball cap.
2) Never wear your baseball cap backward.
3) Buy another pair of cargo shorts and get used to them.
4) Oh yeah, get used to Polo shirts, too.
5) Never let-on that you like MF Doom, DJ Spooky, or any underground Hip Hop at all...if you get caught listening to it, claim it's your kid's music, and it somehow was put onto your Ipod by mistake.
6) Stay up late, and wake up earlier...you'll need less sleep now that you are "more mature." With all of this added time, you can spend more time "reading" on the toilet; which you'll coincidentally spend more time on.
7) Now that you're thirty, it's okay to cut in front of teenagers in line at the local Safeway. (At least if you think you can beat them up). And never look a teenager in the eye again...they can sense fear in old farts like you.
8) Speaking of grocery stores, make sure that your key ring has umpteen-bazillion discount cards on it, for every store that issues one.
9) Don't stare at pretty young women...you'll be labelled a lecherous old fool. Save that for big races like Bloomsday, Chicago, or New York...find a gal with great legs and "whatever," and "pace her" from behind. That's the only lecherous joy you can get away with, now that you're officially a geezer.
10) Be in denial about being an old fogy. Start planning and training for two or three 100-mile trail runs or Ironman triathlons per year; even if it kills you. Besides, you'll need something to replace sex as a means for a physical outlet.
11) Learn to enjoy oatmeal, and check to see which "statin" drug your insurance covers without a substantial co-pay.
12) Quit playing online video games. In fact, you should quit video games altogether, because now that you're 30, you'll suck at them.
13) Drive slower and never use the passing lane, except to passive-aggressively piss-off the drivers behind you. Everybody else is a "speeding maniac," and you are the only safe and sane driver out there, because of your experience and maturity.
And the most important rule:
Never take advice or follow any rules from a stranger.
Happy 30th Birthday, and Happy trails,
Bad Ben
I forgot...What was the question??
ReplyDeleteboy, you got a lot of old people reading your blog.
ReplyDelete